What is the most difficult topic to bring up in a therapy session? Is it childhood trauma, relationship crisis, or sexuality? None of the above. The real taboo, the elephant in the room that very rarely gets a mention is money. Often, the only time when money is spoken about in therapy is at the first session, when the therapist and the client agree on the fee and on the way it will be paid. After that, usually there is complete silence.
This is a shame (pun intended), as money – like sex, mortality, pleasure, and pain – affect us all. Whether you are just scrapping by or rolling in it, you are affected by money, and money will be showing up in therapy sessions whether you like it or not, whether you are the therapist or the client. Irvin Yalom tells a story of speaking with a new client and giving them directions to his office. “pass the jewellery shop and the delicatessen, then turn right at the opera house”. When the client arrived, they complained “your directions were all wrong, I passed a job centre and a homeless shelter, and turned at the pawnbroker”. The moral of this story is that while Yalom and his client took the same route they saw completely different landmarks, which also suggests that their experience of this particular journey was coloured by their respective wealth.
Money Scripts
Remember that time your dad said that money does not grow on trees? Or when your mom praised you on saving your pocket money? These moments shape our “money scripts” – the unconscious beliefs we hold about finances.
These scripts play on repeat in our minds, influencing everything from our spending habits to our choice of partner. In therapy uncovering these scripts can be a game changer.
Action step: reflect on your earliest money memories. What did they teach you about wealth and worth?
As therapists we need to be attuned to these dynamics. How does financial inequality affect the balance of power in a relationship? How might it impact a client’s snese of autonomy or self-worth?
The Debt Trap: System Failure not Personal Failure
“Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen and six, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pounds ought and six, result misery.” Charles Dickens wrote these words over 150 years ago in David Copperfield, yet they ring truer than ever.
Many clients view their debts as a personal failing, a mark of shame. They don’t realize they’re caught in a system designed to normalize debt. Credit cards make it all too easy to spend more than we earn. Student loans burden young professionals before they even start their careers. The housing market pushes many into mortgages that stretch their finances to the breaking point. Some people are working and still cannot make ends meet not because they are ‘bad with money’ but because they are not paid a honest wage by the employer. Profits are stolen wages, Karl Marx said.
As therapists, we need to help clients see the bigger picture. Their debt isn’t necessarily a reflection of poor choices or lack of willpower. Often, it’s the result of a system that makes debt almost unavoidable for many. By shifting this perspective, we can help alleviate the shame and self-blame that often accompany financial struggles.
Breaking the Silence: Talking Money in Therapy
So, how do we tackle this taboo topic? Here are some strategies for addressing money in therapy:
- Normalize the conversation: Make it clear that money is a valid and important topic in therapy.
- Explore money scripts: bring to therapy your unconscious beliefs about money.
- Address financial trauma: Recognize that money issues can be a source of deep-seated trauma.
- Examine power dynamics: In couples therapy, openly discuss how financial imbalances affect the relationship.
- Challenge societal narratives: In therapy, question harmful beliefs about wealth, worth, and debt.
Further reading on money in therapy:
“The Psychology of Money” by Morgan Housel
“The Communist Manifesto” by Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels